Jason C Jean discusses step kids

Dear Ask Jason,

My husband and I are writing this together about how to handle disciplining and handling issues in our combined family. We just recently got married and both have kids from previous marriages for a total of five! I have two boys 9 and 12 and he has two girls 12 and 14, and a boy 10. So far we have had great communication with all the kids, but we disagree about how we should handle issues between the kids. My husband feels we should separate our disciplinary actions onto our own children, his theory is if he disciplines my children then they won’t like him and vise versa. I disagree 100%. I think we parent together and or whichever parent is around needs to discipline regardless of whose children they are. There hasn’t been any major issues as of yet, but we want to be proactive just in case. Thank you.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I have received letters similar and the problem, and your concern is common. Continuity is important and vital to children, especially when you merge two families and I believe and recommend you parent together. When you try to split the disciplinary actions, or have different reactions, it may show divide amongst the two of you. If there’s a pattern of this divide, it could eventually lead to the kids picking up on your weak link and they could and will test those boundaries. Don’t get me wrong, kids will be kids and will test you because they can, but if you and your husband stand together, they will learn and respect you for it. When they realize that you and your husband will be on the same page and consistently communicating about issues, there won’t be as great a tendency for them to test either of your authority. I’m glad to hear you have good communication already and that is the strength of your foundation to succeed in this situation. 

Cheers,

Ask Jason

Jason C Jean discusses, Please Help Bad Review

Dear Ask Jason,

Love the column! My husband and I own a little restaurant and I’m frustrated with how people can just write mean things on the internet. We recently had a review written that wasn’t about the restaurant, but was extremely personal. I’m having a real tough time dealing with this.

Please help!

Bad Review

Dear Bad Review,

Don’t feel that you’re alone. I know it breaks your heart and is very frustrating that someone deliberately set out to personally attack you and used your business to do so. I’ve never been a fan of reviews, but it’s the world we live in now with the internet, it gives everyone the ability to share their opinions with everyone. I often wondered what goes through people’s minds when their fingers start typing away. Unfortunately, they may or may not realize that their mission to hurt someone personally may hurt their livelihood.

The best advice I can give you is to first, understand that there is always going to be someone out there that doesn’t like you, and frankly that’s okay because you can’t please everyone all of the time. The people around you that support you, whether they are your friends or your loyal patrons, won’t care what one person says. Most people reading the review will realize that a bad review is just somebody’s opinion and one bad review won’t stand out in a sea of great reviews. Usually, a bad review from an individual is usually a person that has a problem with you.

Depending on where the review was written, you may be able to contact someone and have it deleted.

Good luck!

Cheers

Jason

Jason C Jean discusses, I don't make enough for my bills but don't want to cut back

Dear Ask Jason,

I’m a 27 year old single female that is having a tough time adjusting my lifestyle because of the economy. I have a good job as a banker and I haven’t received any bonus in the past two years since they cut them, and my problem is even though I know I need to live within my means, I can’t seem to. 

Please help me!

Dear Banker,

I’ll give you credit where credit is due, that at least you know what’s right- you need to live within your means. It’s really that simple. You don’t have to change your style or your likes, you just need to adjust your mind set and set some priorities. For example, if you like to eat out at expensive restaurants, you still can, just less frequently. If you are used to buying name brand expensive clothes and accessories, maybe consider the same approach of purchasing less often; or consider by look a likes, second hand or bargain hunting if you don’t want to sacrifice quality. You don’t always have to stop buying, just change your approach. 

My point is simple, write out a budget and use your calendar to coordinate your pay days and bills, this will make you commit. You may be surprised that your budget may allow you to still do some of your old favorites, just on a smaller scale. If your situation is drastic and money is really tight, you may have to adjust your calendar and budget even more.

I view financial situations very similar to people who need to lose weight. You never put someone on a eating plan and tell them to never eat their favorite foods ever again unless you want someone to fail really fast. It’s called adjusting, sometimes you need to wean their favorite things from them or give them smaller portions, and it depends on their motivations. People want to have their favorite cookie, but just in moderation; and sometimes they discover they don’t want that cookie at all.

It’s the same lesson for you and money, use moderation.

Cheers,

Jason

Jason C Jean discusses, The Birds & Bees talk

Dear Ask Jason,

This is my first time writing because I have tried everything to get my daughter to open up about her and her boyfriend having sex. I’ve tried talking to her when we are alone, joking, sternly, you name it.

I know kids will have sex or experiment, but my daughter is fifteen. I don't know for sure if they are actually having intercourse, but I know she must be doing something because she gets extremely defensive when I try to talk to her about it.

Need help, please!

Deb

Dear Deb,

Don’t feel alone, I actually get a lot of emails about parents, their kids and the difficulty of having the big sex talk, or usually the lack of it, I should say.

I hope I can help. Let’s start off by not assuming she is sexually active or having intercourse. Your only proof has to come directly from her telling you she and her boyfriend have, unless you have caught her in the act; or if you have found something she’s written or you’ve overheard. Your assumptions, questions and inquiries are accusatory in her eyes and that is probably offensive to her.

Build trust between the two of you so she knows she has your help and support and can come to you with anything, not just sexually, but anything major in her life. Building that trust may be easy or hard depending if you and your daughter have a good, bad or indifferent type of relationship. Obviously, the tension about her sexual activity has caused, or could cause a worsening strain, so it’s very important to get back on track to a positive relationship.

You share the same concern parents have before you, and will after you, about your child (eventually) becoming sexually active. Let's hope you have been able, at some point, to openly discuss with him or her, the good and bad consequences of being sexually active on any level. This is an open-hearted and open-minded talk and not a venue for you to dictate. As parents, we need to be realists and understand at some point, whether we like it or not, our kids will try things we aren't ready for them to try. It's our job as parents to educate them about life.

Talk to your daughter about her perspectives and feelings about having sex-is she doing things because she wants to? Are she and her boyfriend on the same page? Is she being persuaded for any reason? These are tough questions, but they eventually teach a lesson, even if it’s indirect. It’s important for neither of them to feel used if their relationship doesn’t work, nor feel any ill will towards sexual activity in the future or with somebody else.

Communicate, communicate, and communicate! It is the key to any relationship in life. It may not be as hard as you think getting her to communicate with you, keep an open mind and heart. Whether it’s sex, or something else, she will make mistakes, but be there for her through those mistakes and guide her through those troubling times.

Good luck,

Jason

Jason C Jean discusses, I might lose my job

Dear Ask Jason,

I'm deathly afraid to lose my job, and at 47 I just don't feel the security I once did and don't know what to do. We've had layoffs each quarter and even though the company's stock is doing great, I just feel like I could be on the chopping block next.

Please help.

Tom from Kansas

Hello Tom from Kansas,

Thank you for the email. I don't know your industry or line of work, but I can still answer in a generalization and hopefully you can grab something and use it to help you.

You have to remember that your company is about profit, whether it has shareholders or not. I see why you might feel as if you are always waiting for that call to the office or that tap on the shoulder to come with me scenario.

In my book, "I will I am I was", I talk about this exact thing. I describe how you can be prepared or not be prepared for such a thing. If you are lucky enough, even if that sounds ironic, to have even the slightest inclination to know ahead of time that you may be let go, use this feeling in a positive way and brainstorm how to reinvent yourself, just incase that time comes.

If you prepare yourself for this ahead of time, when and if it happens, you will breeze right through the transition with more confidence and surety compared to letting the last door shut behind you.  This can be a time of opportunity to maybe do that one thing you have always wanted to do or be. Maybe you have always wanted to be a chef or small motor mechanic, maybe you wanted to be a hair stylist or engineer, no matter what you have always wanted to be, this is the perfect time to work towards that.

It may be a lot of work with long hours and a shift in your responsibilities, but those hours will pay off if and when you get the call that you are no longer needed. I look forward to hearing from you in the future what you have chosen to accomplish.

Best of luck!

Jason C. Jean